I'm sorry I aborted you...
This isn't a story I can openly tell easily, it highlights one of the worst periods in my life that I'd rather not remember. But this is for all the broken girls out there, who's self esteem is shattered by the ideal image that the world forces on people. With my constant feelings of wanting to be loved and accepted, I was lead into situations that could have easily been avoided. Allow me to be the voice for those who are silenced by insecurity.
Where to be begin... From around the age of 7 I had started to gain weight, as I child it didn't really affect me and I just thought it was a love of food- but eating disorders run so much deeper than that. I would literally think about food continuously, how to get it, what I would eat, where I would eat it. As the years went on and life got harder, turning to food for everything was just a routine. I would even steal money from my parents to buy food, it was literally my obsession. My mum was working long hours to pay the mortgage so I didn't see her much and my siblings were occupied so didn't have much time for me so they remained oblivious to what would follow. My friends weren't much of a support system either, they would consistently go out and not invite me and they never defended me when I being called names and abused by other people. I basically felt secluded and left on my own a majority of the time and I was crying out for someone, anyone to just show me I mattered.
When I was 15 I met a guy who would soon be a catalyst in my destruction. On a bus this man came up to me and I immediately became flushed. Was I really good enough for a guy to show any interest in? Was he even looking at me or past me? Was I too young to start becoming emotionally attached? Was he too old for me? With all these questions running through my mind I still managed to hold a conversation with him. Even after finding out he was 36 I still wasn't thrown, the 21 year age gap meant nothing to me as long I was finally going to be loved by someone. During our times together he constantly told me I was beautiful and that he loved me, I didn't believe him, but the words still sounded so good I was willing to do anything to hear them forever. Once again food came into play, he always used to buy me food and treat me to take-aways, which only added to my weight gain. My two favorite things were now combined together and life appeared to be great in theory, but the reality was I was being led down a very sticky path.
From the first time we met we were sexual and from then on every time for the 5 years we would be dating. Because of the age difference people wouldn't understand why we were together, so we spent most of our time together at his home; which wasn't the healthiest of relationships in hindsight. However, If someone wasn't disgusted by me and actually wanted to be intimate then why not? If someone just wanted me for pleasure it was still better than not being wanted at all. I had always been taught that sex was for marriage, but what we were doing hadn't reached that level yet so what was the harm? Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time before having oral sex would no longer be enough and he would require more of me.
Three years later after having been dating on and off we finally went all the way, it wasn't planned, special or something that I particularly wanted but it happened. From then on the gateway of risk was opened and sex would now be added to our meeting up routines. I knew sex made him so happy and if he were being satisfied well he'd never want to leave me. But his hatred of condoms meant that every time we made love I was completely at risk of the thing I feared most - getting pregnant. The morning after pill became routine and I was content with that, I just didn't want to upset him. Things began to go well after our first time; he seemed to love me so much more now we had gone all the way.
It was in that June that I started to notice changes in myself, I was moody and irritable, always tired, my breasts were extremely sore and I found myself crying daily. I just didn't know what was wrong or rather I knew and didn't want to believe it. My period had been six weeks late, in denial I thought this was just the effect of the collection of emergency contraception I had been taking. On the 7th week, having just been fired from my job I passed a sexual health clinic; in an attempt to calm myself down I decided to go in and take a test. Of course it came back pregnant and I was left in a worse place than before. I was frozen by panic as I sat in the nurse’s office as he shoved leaflets in my hands and asked me questions. I was left crying outside London Bridge station and once again I turned to food. I just thought about what my mum would think and how no one would want to talk to me or know me anymore if I became a teen mum. I needed someone to talk to and who better than the person who helped this happen. Having told the love of my life I was pregnant with his child his only reaction was to say "Get rid of it then" and ask if it was even his. To say this left me SHATTERED is a complete understatement! It killed me, at this point I thought the only option was suicide! Everything had been ruined and I was so lost, the only thing that stopped me from going through with this escape was the idea that two lives would have been claimed by death, which probably would have just landed me in hell. But this thing inside me was killing me and I just wanted to rip it put, it wasn't a child to me but a mistake that was haunting me day and night. I felt there was only one option left, so I called to make an appointment.
I wanted God to show me a sign, anything that would give me a chance to tell someone or tell me what to do. And He did, I had been dabbling with the idea to seek spiritual help through my youth Pastor, but due to her busy schedule I wouldn't be able to get an appointment till after I would have taken the first pill. However on the day of the appointment I couldn't find Marie Stopes and had missed my appointment and had to have one scheduled for the day after. I thought this may have been the sign I was waiting for and God had intervened. So I arranged a meeting with my youth Pastor, I wanted more than anything for someone to know and help me, I just didn't want to be alone with this anymore, it was destroying me and I thought her guidance was the only way for this to happen, I was in her office and all I had to do was say the words. However, I was silenced by the fear of condemnation and pressure from the church, I didn't open up instead I ran out crying.
The only result was for me to go through with the plan and just pretend it never happened, no one would know and I could just live my life. Having made it to the centre on time for my new appointment the challenges weren't over yet I was greeted by anti- abortionist protestors before I even made it in. Laid across the floor were pictures of dead babies, as a group of people handed out leaflets. Was I supposed to be one of these people protesting instead of using the facilities? Were there really other options for me? Should I turn away and just ignore the problem? As if I wasn't feeling guilty enough already, I powered through and entered. I had to undergo a series of tests before I could take the pills which included a scan of the fetus, something that should have been so exciting only reminded me of how real the situation was and that I had a baby inside of me. Just as it was time to take the pill I paused and thought if I was doing the right thing, but there was no going back now. Day one was finally over and all I had to do now was wait till the Monday for the second pill and that would be that. What I didn't bank on was God having been giving signs to one of my friends of what was going on.
That Sunday she finally confronted me and I just broke into tears, but it was to late. All I could do was finish the process and move on. I was supposed to take a person with me to the second appointment, but the fact that no one knew just made the process 10 times harder. Me and my ex-boyfriend managed to talk things through and survive this patch in our relationship, but things would never be the same again. I now knew that he thought of me as worthless and his compliments now all just felt like lies. I made myself promise that I would do myself proud and this child proud by achieving everything I always desired. This unrealistic vision was extremely short lived when three months later I found myself in the predicament of having missed my period for 10 weeks wondering if I was again pregnant.
I had the abortion never thinking it would be something I think about daily, but it was. Not to mention the tremendous pain of the whole process. Now nearly two years on I still think about what could have been everyday, but having just entered a new year I'm doing my best not to allow my past mistakes to bring me down. Even though people do their best to bring you down and hold you back, God's opinion is the only one that matters and He has said I am forgiven. Every time I wake up in the morning it’s a reminder that God still loves me and wants me to for-fill my purpose on earth. So why did I decide to share this story? I believe that I’m not the only young person out there that has been through what I went through or has felt the way I have at some point in there life. My advice would be to tell someone, not just anyone, over time I’ve realized that a lot of people don’t have my best interests at heart, but those are those rare few that care and just want to help. Things may not have gotten so far if I had if I had spoken up earlier. I’m still trying to pursue God as much as I can and I can honestly say that His constant love and protection is the reason I am still here today. There's a lot I regret but I guess the story isn't quite over yet, its still being written......
With all my love,