Wives, what to do when your husband hurts you...

The perfect husband doesn't exist! ♡ That's one of the first things I learnt when I got married & while I'm incredibly blessed with a Godly, wonderful husband, he does at times hurt me. It's inevitable. We are, after all two sinners.

Before we delve into this, I want to be very clear. I'm not talking about abusive or violent husbands. If that, or anything similar is something you are experiencing in your marriage please seek help immediately. 

Just like us, husbands have shortcomings, short fuses at times & sinful hearts. Sometimes the hurt they cause us is an accident & other times purposely done. But which ever it is, HURT HURTS & a million times more when the person causing you the hurt is the man who you've given your heart to!

The question is, what do we as Godly wives do when our husbands sting our delicate hearts? Whether you are the vocal, expressive wife who fights to hold her tongue or the reflective, subdued wife who weeps silently, the natural, almost instinctive thing to do is to hold on to the hurt. We replay what 'he' said or did in our minds a million times & almost immediately adopt this 'I would/could never do that to him' mindset- but the truth is we could. I'ts so important to remember that although our husbands are called to put Christ on display & to lead us as Christ led the church, they ARE NOT CHRIST & WILL MESS UP often. 

When J & I first got married the smallest thing would hurt me. I remember this one particular time so clearly, we now laugh about it. J had gone to the barbers for a trim & I was at home making dinner. I expected him to be home an hour or so later. When he didn't return home I called him. No reply, so I called again & again & again. The food was freezing & three hours later in came my hubby sporting the biggest smile I'd ever seen! I was literally fuming, like fuuu-ming! I didn't want to hear his explanation or apology I just wanted him to pay for the hurt he had caused me! I felt completely disrespected & taken advantage of. You're probably wondering why J had taken so long to get a trim right? Well, it turned out that he had started evangelising in the barbers & that God opened so many doors (spiritual doors) that J had lost track of time. When he did try to call me to tell me he would be home late my phone line was busy because I was on the phone moaning about him to a friend! 

I know it seems really petty but the story I just told you was genuinely a big deal for me at the time. Yes, it hurt me but I dealt with the hurt in the wrong way. I shut J down & didn't even give him the chance to explain what happened, I refused to accept his apology. The hurt became much bigger than it needed to be because of the way I dealt with it. When I found out the reason he was late I felt like such a little plum.

There's been other times when my husband hurts me deeper, when the hurt is a lot harder to ignore & the sin a lot harder to forgive. What to do then?

Take time out with God.

After an argument or disagreement it can be hard to think clearly, so distancing ourselves can really help us to calm down & arrange our thoughts. 

I would encourage us to get into the habit of always venting to God first. It's so easy nowadays to whatsapp a friend or tweet as an outlet for our emotions but its never as beneficial. Take your hurt to God & pour open your heart to Him in prayer. This alone makes a world of difference, remember that it's not us who can change our husband's ways but God! 

Chat it through

Once we're equipped through prayer then approaching our husbands to discuss the issue should be the next step. Open up to your love, be honest about how you feel but be careful how you do so. I've learnt to use "I" a lot more than "you" when trying to get my point across. Eg, "I really felt hurt when you..." as a pose to "You always hurt me." I try to ask questions instead of making assumptions & pointing the finger. (Read Proverbs 15:1)  We should always give our hubby's room to speak without interrupting them (trust me, I know how hard this is!) There is usually a deeper reason (that's not an excuse) behind any hurt they cause us. If we can understand the 'whys' then together we can move forward & prevent the issue from reoccurring!

No matter the hurt our husbands cause us we still need to show them respect & honour. SAAAY WHATT? What I mean by that is no matter what hurt your husband may have caused you, you are not now magically above or better than him. It's so easy to pop ourselves on little pedestals when we see faults in our husband, but girlfriend, check your heart, you too have faults & flop sometimes. If we can respond to our husbands in love without disrespecting them they will be a lot more likely to understand & apologise than if we shout & disrespect them. Kicking up a big fuss usually distracts from what they did in the first place & instead puts the limelight onto us & our temper tantrum. 

Forgive & let go

Matthew 6:14-1

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.""

We need to be constantly asking God to grant us extra grace & forgiveness. In our own strength we tend to hold on to our husbands wrongs & bring them up any time an issue arises. But just as God is with us, we need to be quick to forgive. Once our husbands apologise & we forgive them that should be it. FINITO! We aren't to bring it back up again & continue to make them feel bad for what they did.

Sometimes an issue or disagreement is un-ressolveable & thats ok. There's nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree on some things. But if the issue requires a decision to be made then its our duty to follow our husbands lead & trust God. 

In our marriage we have a little rule, we can't go to sleep if one of us is unhappy with the other or feels an issue needs to be spoken about. This leaves less chance of bitterness & allowing a problem to escalate. It may mean you're extra sleepy at work the next day but its worth it. 

If you find that resentment takes hold of your heart or you are still experiencing conflict it may be a good idea to have a Pastor or counsellor intercede & help you both. There is absolutely no shame in doing this. I can't imagine our marriage without the added advice & counsel of our beloved Pastors. (Read Proverbs 12:15)

Lastly, I encourage you to always end any upsets/conflict with cuddles & kisses (or more.. ;) This is the perfect way to draw the line & close the issue. 

All my love 

Sia ❤ xxx