Me vs Self Harm.
Like so many young people these days, I grew up in a very broken home. Waking up to my parents screaming at each other became the norm, in fact if ever I saw them getting on it was always a rare surprise. My Father was an abusive, angry & very manipulating man. Everything had to be given his stamp of approval, from what we ate to what was spoken about in our home. Living under such control meant I was always treading on eggshells for fear of what he may say or do to me. To this day, some people (who know my Father) think that he must have had a mental illness because of his erratic behaviour, I'm not so sure.
As the years went by the constant fear became harder to live in & the pain in my heart became harder to take. I remember searching for a way to release my emotions but everything I tried simply failed. I struggled some more until one day a friend introduced to me her 'remedy' for dealing with life's problems. That night I went home with a slight bit of hope, thinking that I may have finally found the tool I so needed in dealing with my brokenness.
As advised by my friend I went into the bathroom & took one of my Mother's shaving razors. Once I had got into my room I locked the door & proceeded to cut my wrists with the razor. Blood quickly rose to the surface & contrary to what I had heard the pain from the cuts were intense. After a few cuts I waited, where was the relief I was supposed to feel? Was this not meant to make me feel better? I felt cheated. As I sat in the corner of my room, tissue wrapped round my wrist & tears streaming down my cheeks I told myself I must have done it wrong. Over the coming weeks I repeated the abuse to my body, desperately trying to gain some emotional release. I cut & burnt my skin & even pulled out my hair but nothing worked. The only changes I noticed were each time I self harmed I felt a huge wave of guilt & disappointment come over me. It was as though what was meant to be helping me was actually making me feel worse.
I was at an all time low & felt more desperate than ever. If there is one thing I can say from the bottom of my heart it's that God understood all too well the desperate state I was in because things in my life finally began to change for the better. The first change came in a the form of church. Although I had been 'brought up as a Christian' I had always resisted a personal relationship with Jesus, mainly because I felt I didn't need him but clearly that wasn't the case. After connecting with some lovely young Christians I began attending church. At church I got a real sense of God's love for me, for the first time in my life I felt I was accepted just the way I was, scars, burns & bald patches included.
As time went by I noticed my heart warming to God, my fears lessoned & that awful burden I had carried around for so many years began to lift. Jesus was healing my brokenness & thats really where my story begins. I am now by God's grace free & whole in Him. That void I tried so hard to fill is now overpowering with God's love & peace.
My message to anyone else who is self harming is to realise that no form of self harm can bring peace. Over time I've come to realise that the blood that Jesus shed for us is more than enough, He was completely harmed so that we don't have to harm ourselves. He has the power to heal every hurt we carry & in Him alone will we find eternal life.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but The Lord delivers him out of all of them.
Contrary to the title of this blog post its not me, or you for that matter vs self harm. It's self harm vs Jesus!
If self harm is something you are struggling with please don't struggle alone, talk to someone you can trust & get the true release you need, in Jesus Christ.